Humor

Idiots at Work

Do you work with any of these people??

I went inside a McDonalds one time and ordered 2 ice cream cones.
I was asked if they were for here or to go and said "What difference does it make?"

The girl behind the counter said
"I can't let you have them if you don't answer my question".

I said "One is for here and one is to go".
I then paid for the 2 cones and left.

IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed
on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She
carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees":
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross
there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She
responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: Recognize anyone here?
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving
the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This
is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the
headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system
would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick
up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked
in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

Stupid People Should Have to Wear Signs

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?  You wouldn't ask them anything.  It would be like, "Excuse me, ... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.
Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine.
We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass, and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into givin' up.
Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn
that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.
I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... OK ...
no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign ...
until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!
I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge. Here's your sign."
 

The 1999 Darwin Awards

Runners Up

#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers
headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani
was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother,
Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of Suffocation enroute to the
hospital.

#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette
and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to
Ken's head and fired.

#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

#4 - In February, according to police in WINDSOR, ONT., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

#5 - MOSCOW, Russia -- A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow
bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would
protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

#6 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames
and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

#7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that
he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be
robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a
clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.


AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANATOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward
Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave
radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a
telecommunications feedhorn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation
once last year, according to Northern Manatoba Signal Relay spokesperson
Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a
safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in
order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it
was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves
can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat
food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a
twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly
in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a
tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the
anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body
was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an
odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as
a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded.

The Darwin Awards Web site

This is an important part of the training manual for workers at Boeing.

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out."
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."
9. "Actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broke ..."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. "Amen"
 

New Words To Try Out This Week

Washington Post's Style Invitational

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the recent winners.  (If you Google any of the terms you will find lots and lots of pages that have posted this as if it were legitimate.  But you can't find anything on http://WashingtonPost.com.  Well, almost.  There is an archived page on the site for their Style Invitational, which is a weekly column in the Style/Living section.  The page is for Week 281 (08/02/1998), but at the bottom it lists entries from Week 278 (07/12/1998), containing the very words in question.  If you manually change the URL to use the July 12 date, you get a 404 [not found].  So it looks like we're stuck with only a fragment of the original.)

Intaxication (n.): Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation (n.): Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high on the wall.

Foreploy (n.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculattι (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Coiterie (n.): a very, very close-knit group.

Impotience (n.): The eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

Karmageddon (n.): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (n.): All talk and no action.

Doltergeist (n.): A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Lollapalooka (n.): Someone who has taken one too many turns in the mosh pit.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Dan's Discovered Words

Testosterroneous (adj.): being possessed of the assumption that one is always right

Estrogencephalitis (n.): the headache a man gets from trying to think like a woman

Limericks

The limerick brings laughs anatomical
In a space that is most economical.
But the best ones I've seen so seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

A remarkable bird is the pelican.
His beak holds more food than his belican.
He can hold in his beak enough food for a week,
And I don't see how the helican.

There once was a young girl from Thrace
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said "Nelly, there's more in your belly
than ever went in through your face."

There once was a young girl named Alice
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
and bits of her tits in Dallas.

I once knew a young man from Ghent
Whose dick was so long that it bent.
Its length was such trouble
That he put it in double
And instead of coming he went.

There once was a girl from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass --
Not pretty and pink and you probably think
But was gray, had long ears and ate grass.

There once was a man from Madras
Who's balls were constructed of brass
When they jangled together
They made stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+, I would f@#* it!"

The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
'casue when men rang her bell,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!

There once was a man named McGill,
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill.
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas which he placed on his balls
and he lost 'em.

There was a girl from Cape Cod,
Who thought babies came only from God.
But it wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger, by God!

There once was a man from Bel Air,
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.

There once was a Bishop of Treet
Who decided to be indiscreet,
But after one round
To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin.
His father said "Perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin.
Your gherkins fer ferkin, not jerkin."

Once a pirate (the story relates)
Enjoyed dancing upon roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

There once was a couple named Kelly
who walked around belly to belly,
because in their haste they used library paste
instead of petroleum jelly.

There once was a lady, Ilene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
and since then she's never benzene.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled while riding a tiger.
They returned from the ride with the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

by Ogden Nash
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.

There once was a lady from Hyde,
Who ate a green apple and died,
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented,
and made cider inside her inside.

A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed.

There was a fat turkey named Sam,
Who gobbled whenever he ran.
He came out of the bush,
Presenting his tush,
And was shot up the arse by a man.

There once was a guy named Matt
Who had an overly large cat
When it chased a mouse
It shook the whole house
So Matt got rid of the cat.

There was an old lady from Clyde
Who ate forty apples and died
The apples fermented inside the lamented
and made cider inside her insides.

There once was a lady named Lynn
Who was so uncommonly thin,
that when she assayed to drink lemonade,
she slipped through the straw and fell in.
 

Aphorisms

1. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie

2. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

3. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

4. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

5. Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

6. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm

7. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

8. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

9. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry

11. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

12. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James

13. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum

14. We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain

15. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

16. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

17. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

18. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

19. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

20. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast

21. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips

22. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

23. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones

24. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

25. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

26. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp

27. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

28. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! -- Monty Python

29. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin

30. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

31. Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy

32. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

34. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

35. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

36. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

37. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
    1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
    2. Advising the President.
    3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
    --David Letterman

38. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

39. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson

40. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.  Unless we lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley

41. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

42. The most important thing in the programming language is the name.  A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967

43. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS Magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

44. An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

45. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

46. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

47. On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

48. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
-- E. Grebenik

49. Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

50. Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac

51. G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

52. The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch

53. Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]

54. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali

55. What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

56. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson

57. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

58. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog